Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Lookin' for fly bitches, yo

And Patrick, you owe us two fly bitches. TWO FUCKING FLY BITCHES DO YOU HEAR ME?
What the hell is a fly bitch? Hell if I know, most likely a young, scene/emo chick thats easy.
Heh, pretty much describes this fucking town
So you may be wondering why I am writing this, so am I.
Well first of all, Summer Rush this year sucks.
LMFAO are tolerable, as is headly. Why tolerable you ask? because I do like a song or two by each respective group. Is it worth paying 80 dollars to muddle through shit? Not likly unless this year the people I go with are:
1) 19 years old (or have a fake ID
2) Do not need me to drive once at the concert
3) Do not mind me being rather hammered
4) Would drink with me

Since the chances of that happening are rather slim, as are the chances of me going to sed concert. However, going to the after party may be worth it. One of my friends wants to spend a weekend at the palace anyways, could be amusing.

Problem with this concert is its geared towards emo young girls. Or as my friends call them 'fly bitches'
The definition of fly I believe is something along the lines of cool or awesome.
Whinny bitchy 13 year olds are not awesome, forgive me for not liking women that young, you fucking pedos. You know who you are.
Also, I hear one of you guys has a new girlfriend. Let her not end up like the one in truro. Remember, girls who are pregnant are bad news, and girls with children are MILFs, even if they are 18. Personally, the appeal of the MILF is the fact that they are OLDER than me. Bitch knows how to fuck.

OH! ALSO!
Hell of a flight last week, finally got it done. Took 2 people up for it, it took us about 5 hours to do it, and enroute one of my passengers had to fucking piss like a racehorse (or they thought they did) and tried to urinate into a barf bag, and failed. Failed because the lack of excretion at all, there was no piss to be pissed. IT was rather amusing. Then we saw a smoke stack, it was the pulp and paper plant, and I said, in my deepest most indian voice
"Kimbosabe, there be smoke signal"
(refrence the lone ranger, stop watching this crap on TV and look at some old stuff you fucking pricks)

Teh flight went well. (Yes copper top, tEh was intentional, do not go gramar nazi on me) Landed, took off, saw a hell of a turboprop plane, huge engine, powerful enough that when it went into beta range, the pilot was actually backing up his airplane. I have never seen a plane of that size move in reverse under its own power, with no one telling the pilot where he was at.

Mayhaps I'll start writing again, or actually put some actual effort into Lazerocock...

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Its 400 in the morning. What is the most logical thing to do?

Well, this happened friday I guess
I think...yeah must have been friday. This is worse than drunken nights in university. I truly have no idea what day it is or any concept of time. I thought today was monday, I think. I really didnt know. The days start whenever I wake up and whenever I go to sleep. My schedule for flying is fucked. I could start my flight at any time of the day and there isnt much logic or consistancy with the scheduling. Thank god the weather sucked at my destination today. I needed the sleep, all 14 hours of it. and I am going to go for another 8-10 shortly. Anyways, story time.

Its 4 am, I have just cancelled my flight. I believe it was friday morning or saturday morning. Whatever, its so hard to tell at that time of day. I was driving home and I see flashing lights behind me, its the police. But then they stop flashing. I just keep driving. The lights get closer and I see the flashing again so I pull over. The cop pases me and I do the only logical thing that one can do. I gunned it and followed the cop. Just then, the song flirting with disaster comes on as I tear down the highway at 160-180 following this cop. I loose him eventually then I drive around talking to the drunk straglers who have the misfortune to still be out.
Thats about it actually

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Reflections on Cumdumpsters

To be honnest, I am not going to speak well of women in general in here. So if you are female, I would strongly suggest that you stop reading, and get in my bed.

You know, I have came to a amazing deduction in Team Fortress 2.
Women are keniving, manipulating (get it MANipulating, ok that was terrible)
They do the strangest things...using your body to get what you want, thats not bad. I admire women like that (because I am the generic asshole, and shallow). I suppose you want some sort of example.
Well, things women do to get attention I suppose...
First of all, they know guys like them, and what will they do? They will do things that try to make the guy jealous and want the women more. Hitting on friends, telling things to their best friend and not the guy, pretending to be interested in another guy, ect ect ect
Maybe they just ignore the guy, thinking he will try harder to win her affection.
Oh, about the dating other guys thing. You know what, maybe I am just immune to this shit, but if I chase after a cumdumpster and she goes after another guy I will do one of two things:
1) Get her to cheat on her boyfriend (easier to do than you would think)
2) Fuck off, there is twice as many women as men in this world and there is what, almost 10 billion people in this world, so there is about 6 billion women. That means atleast 1 billion women must be in my age group, and I dont think I can go through that many women in my lifetime (but I can sure as hell try)
Now about the first one, maybe i am fucked, but I know for a fact that every woman wants sex more than me. I can live without it, I have other diversions. And to be honnest, its the chase and the foreplay that is the most fun.
Another thing, why do women want nothing to do with you, then suddenly have intests in you? This one I cannot answer, but it most likely has to deal with them not being able to get anything better, or they have a boyfriend and realized that you are the better man (because, lets face it, those who read this know that they are the better man) Gentlemen, women like man need a last resport, a sort of fail safe. I figure thats where that comes from.
Now, I understand that this is generizing, maybe Im wrong. Doubt it though.
as I have said before, all women are lieing, cheating whores, the trick is finding a lieing cheatin whore that you can deal with for an extended amount of time.
I am going to hell and not getting laid for atleast a month because of this.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Rasputin

You know what? I am a little strange when it comes to video games (and not overly talented either, I only excel at a select few being Pokemon, Vigilante 8, Dynasty Warriors Gundam and Age of Empires 3) but that aside, I always try to find alternate ways of playing video games or deriving amusement from the game that may not otherwise be normally done (with the exception of Postal 2 where you can do anything) One of these endeavors was in fallout 3 where I ran around and put naughty nightware on every woman that I possibly could. (my first character was also an asian with ferociously red hait who ran around in lingerie with a sledge hammer). Anyways, my most recent form of amusement comes from Fable 1, and its an idea I have been kicking around for a while but I finally went through with it.

Recreate Rasputin, lover of the Russian Queen.

So, this character will be primarily a mage. He will me neutral, but more on the evil side. Enough to keep his hair dark and eyes red. (Because Rasputin had fucked up eyes)
His spells will include:

Drain Life
Turn Coat
Summon
Slow Time (maybe)
Force Push (maybe)
Heal Life (the guy fucking healed people)
Physical Shield (the guy was fucking hard to kill)
Infernal Wrath
Enflame
Fireball (maybe)
Lighting (maybe)

He will use the evil weapons (Obsidian katana most likely and Skorms bow)
He will also wear the Dark Will user robe and Dark wizard hat

What will he do? He will first of all, run around and kill everyone he can
then he will buy all the buildings in the town.
He will be good enough that women still want to fuck him, so he will get married, fuck the bitch, take her out back, kill her, remarry...ect

He will marry lady grey (i cant think of a person who doesnt)
he will own the bordello
He will kill all the main characters that he can:
Twin Blade
Whisper
Theresa
Thunder
Briar Rose
Guild Master

now, I am not sure if I can actually BEAT the game with a character like this, but I am certainly going to try. I just want to murder all the townsfolk, buy the entire town and fuck and kill as many women as possible.

BOOM! Also, he will go around getting people drunk and healing (making people like him so he can fuck their women then kill them)

This is Rasputin

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

News! From the Homefront!

I dont know if I put something up here on this, but I helped a friend move, and moved a cousin of his as well. Later on, the cousin's boyfriend (we will call him babybeater) shook her child. Since then what has happened? absolutley nothing. I see the asshole out in a nearby town, and I have to restrain my friend.
Yeah, we are assholes, but there are limits. Shaking defenceless children is one of them.

Now, there seem to be some mix up with news articles in the paper.
The first article said that he was arrested the 30th of november
the second that i am about to mention says 30th of december

could they be different people, possibly.
But what got me was both articles are talking about 20 year olds, both are talking about a child that was about a year old being assaulted and the same lawyer is working on both cases.

This is a callback to an earlier post where I said I hope that my town is the only place like it. I think they are talking about the same person, but the difference is the mother is now being charged with failing to provide essentials of life.

Yes, this is what happens when you dick shits cant be bothered to wear a condom.
Now, women in this town, as slutty as they are, seem to think that abortion and birth control is a bad idea. They dont want to kill children...
What the fuck? Are they semi spiritual? I am not one for half assing such things, so if they truely believe in that, then change their lives. But no, they still go out, get hammered, abuse drugs and alcohol, cheat on boyfriends...fuck the list goes on and on.

Finding a nice worth while girl around this county is very difficult. and the ones who are not stupid as mentioned above, they are usually bitches/cunts and are hard to tolerate for more than an hour at a time.

Like, what the fuck amherst?

Anyways, lets get away from the baby beating and move on to something more amusing.

Now, I like going out, yelling at people, causing a little ruckus. But these kids this weekend, took it miles further. I am not sure weather to be proud or to go vigilantie on their ass.

Let me say some of the minor stuff (things I think the fucking pigs over reacted to)

derogatory comments made over the internet
1) dont take it personally, its typing
2) if they lack the balls to say it to your face, they lack the balls for action so relax

youths hanging around
1)yeah they were around a school, but this shit assed town gives no one under the age of 19 anything to do, what the fuck do they think is going to happen?

disturbance on spring street
being loud, its the fucking weekend get used to it

public intoxication
its the weekend, how the fuck else do you get home if you live too close to bother with a cab?

barking dogs
for fucks sakes cops, if all this shit is going down and you expect dogs to be quiet? mayhaps you need to think a little more

now the major shit, things that if i knew about and was out that night, we may have been good guys for a change...

person at large
well looks like the cops are incomptient, atleast they are trying to do their jobs but how the fuck does someone just escape?

breaching prohibation
ok, this fuck should have been taken down, good on you APD

15 y/o girl gone missing
-well not really, she just went out without telling her parents so she could get drunk and laid most likely. they found her later. I have a feeling that my friends and their appartment was involved with this but I cant confirm anything yet. (Marty, do yourself a favor and get the fuck out of dodge. Brad, do yourself a favor and STAY AWAY FROM THE YOUNGER GIRLS FOR FUCKS SAKES!)

An open fire
as much as I love fires, do em outside of town, where the only thing you can burn is forest, instead of brick buildings

Death threats
dont ever tell anyone you want to kill them, just do it.

smashing a TV
I guess these kids have not learned from me. there are some things you just dont do in a town. if you want to light off fire works or destroy shit, find a secluded place far from any person and do it there.

robbing stores
yeah dont really have much on these, they were reported but looks like they got away with it.

finally, the biggest fucking one

possible sexual assault
are you fucking kidding me? i guess not, and as with shit like this nothing is being released. i find this one hard to believe. I know people are fucked up in this town, loud, crazy, wild whatever. but i never imagined any of them to be evil.

and as much as i hate on the police (i mean, they called in the entire fucking force to chase me down because i had a headlight that was out, and i didnt even try to run. and they pulled me over for signalling when i did, the cop backed off when the occupants of my car said he had his signal light on. Thank you Melissa, Brad, probiblay amanda, corie you know that crew) but they are doing their job. They responded to all of these calls, some of which i think are unnesscary, but others definitly were. but do you want to know why i think all this shit is going on?
a few weeks back, amherst had a major drug bust at the high school. the police finally did something about it, and its about damn time. but I have to wonder now, the police has changed the balance of power. drug dealers seem to be few and far between in amherst, a pleasant change. but now the youth have nothing to do, I think this is backlash. The police pushed, and these kids pushed back. now it will be a power struggle i think, until either the police give up because they cant keep up, or these kids grow up and get some fucking sense in their heads. either way, I dont think I will be going out on weekends and doing what I do. if the police are taking this stuff this seriously, then they will have little tolerance for a car full of 20 y/os listening to loud music and yelling random things at random people.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Lazer cock: Orgins

Eversince I was young, I knew I was different from the other kids.
Women would be staring at my groin then down my leg, I never understood it.
Until I was about 14 and had the wonderful talk about the facts of life. It was at that point that I realized that I was hung like an elephant.
My dick was tucked into my sock, and I was starting to find women attractive.
In an effort to avoid the embarrasment of having my huge dick protrude through my pants in a ripping fashion, I tried going gay.
Yeah, did not work to well either since many gay men look like women.
You know what though? With mental disipiline I learned not to be easily sexually aroused or seduced by women. I could resist them, but they could not resist me.
They wanted to touch it, to play with it to lick it.
But THEY DIDNT WANT TO FUCKING FUCK IT.
So now, you stare at possibly the most sexually deprived man on the planet. I have to use both my hands and a fucking fleshlight to get myself off in a reasonable ammount of time. Its quite the device actually...

Moving on, this is not the time to speak of my labeto, I finally lost my virginity when I was 18. It was at my prom party, and just like that scene from american pie, my best friends mother pounced, and I couldnt resist her. I had a weakness...MILFs.
The sex was great, she moaned like a whore as I rode here like a marry go round.

Moving on, now is no the time to speak of loosing ones virginity. Because, as beautiful as that woman was, she was not the woman I loved. The woman I loved was my age (my friends always harrased me, for going for older women or women my age while they banged younger women). She was a scientist, she was the reason I went to university and majored in physics and chemistry (some crazy assed shit to pull just for a woman)
but this one was different. She never looked at my cock, and she was beautiful, the perfect example of what a woman should be. Dark hair and dark eyes, round soft ass and gargantuan, earth shattering boobies. (Writers note: ZING! I bet those who know me were expecting a redhead!)

Yeah, I like boobs.
Or do I like asses?
Asses are needed, but breasts are much more fun. They are soft, warm, make and excellent pillow and if you need a drink, its right there.

allright, moving on from breasts.

I suppose you are wondering who I am, well if you cant be bothered to read the title. I am lazer cock, protector of anal virginities.

Bored as fuck asshole...

Well, time to let you know the epicness that has happened over the last few weeks...
Let us start with a tale of the Generic Asshole, when he(I) was not being an asshole.
It started 2 weeks ago, I was on my way home from class and my komrade asked for a boost. So I boosted his car and went on my way. Then my best friend needed help moving. So I gathered up a small army of men and we helped him move into his new place. Then we got McDicks. Now, I have loved the truro mcdonalds. The women were attractive and nice to us. And they put up with the shit of the idiots in the back of my car. They learned a very valueable lesson. Women belong in the kitchen, but dont be stupid when they are making your food, or they may poision you. My friend got food poisioning. We went back to my friends old place, we had to move some few remaining things out, and this guy fucking puked up a mountain on the side of his house. Im talking inches of brown shit that was once a double quarter pounder. Fuck, he was not in great shape. We threw him in the front seat of the car and drove to the new place. My frieng gave us some pepto to ease his stomach and i grabbed some water and gravol to make sure he had a comfortable trip home (and to also prevent me from having to clean up any shit/puke that may have ended up on my upholstery) So that was that weekened, went out a few times but more or less stayed in. Studied my ass off for my 6 or 7 finals i had the next 3 days.
Got through em, and saw Iron Man 2

IRON MAN 2 REVIEW (no spoiliers)
As far as sequals go, this one is awesome. You will notice that rhodes is played by a different actor this time, but dont worry. The character is not ruined, and this guy has possibly improved on the origional actors performance. It has everything you want and need in a sequal, love/romance, introduction of new characters, evolution of main characters, elaboration on minor characters in the first movie, a pretty good villan, several assholes that everyone loves to hate and finally lots of fucking robots blowing the shit out of their surrondings and each other.
Watch it.

Now, wilderness survival camping trip...
We were so pumped about this trip. And the class seemed like it could handle it.
Well we were sort of right...the rain kinda killed some of us. Only 7 out of the 18 of us were drenched, the others were pretty dry. 2 were near hypothermia. It really wasnt too bad, it was alot of fun actually. Allthough, my lean-to was like that really hot blonde you fucked.
You want to take a picture to remember that you had that and fucked that.
But you also want to forget it because it let you down and cheated on you.
The lean-to, had 6-8 hours of work put into it, and my kmorade and I still ended up soaked and cold. Other people ran into the same problem, tarps were failling.
Allthough before the torrential rain, that was alot of fun. Made fires, cooked meals, we actually pulled off a fire in the pouring rain.
Its called kerosene, and apparantly it doesnt explode.
Well, you learn something new every day.

Now, on to today, its monday. I had a flight. I looked at the forcast, ceiling according to the text forcast is 2000' and according to the graphical forcast, its 2500'. The minimum altitude I am allowed to do this flight at is 3000'. So they gave me a no show. I am going to fucking kill that dispatcher. In hindsight, the weather isnt too bad. It seems to be holding at 3000' so I could have went. However, at this school if the forcast weather is below minimums, you must be 1 hour away from it (ie leave or arrive one hour before its forcast to go to shit)
and its forcasting shit all day more or less.

So, to that dispatcher, fuck off. I am not driving to school to be there for 3 or 4 am for a flight that you will not let me go on. Dont be a moron.

Christ, if I ever am a dispatcher, I promise to have half a braincell and actually look at the weather...